Today he came home. Not before sending me home after visiting hours, and then calling me back JUST after I got the kids out of the car to say "you can come and get me if you like". UGH! But of course, I was happy, and bundled the kids right back into the car and made the half hour journey. Again, to go get him. I think I had gotten complacent, because I foolishly thought if he was home he'd be just fine. And maybe the first couple of days this was true. But it turned out it was just a false sense of security. I wouldn't let him do anything that first night, he could go on the computer, or sit and watch tv. That was his lot.
I had been waiting for this day for what seemed like an eternity, when in reality it had only been 5 days. And yet it felt strange. Every move he made had me breaking out in a sweat, I found myself constantly saying "I'll do that" or "what are you doing?". I was constantly on edge, and not at all comfortable. He was/is the same person he was before, but I am much more aware of what can go wrong now, and every muscle twitch, or itch or headache has me in a tailspin. Half of me was glad he was home, and half of me wished he was still in the hospital. It wasn't that I didn't want him home, I did, and was so grateful that he made it home again, but I was scared. Scared of my own failure. What if I couldn't look after him properly? How do you treat someone who's had a stroke? What do you let them do and what do you 'ban' them from doing? Nobody had given me any tips or advice about how to look after him, no do's and don'ts and here I was drowning in a sea of uncertainty and fear.
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