And so...

I haven't been here in a couple of weeks, just seems some days that I try and block everything out and pretend it's normal, and so writing about everything would bring it all crashing down. Some days it's almost back to normal and I dare to hope that it will be like that forever, but of course, I'm fooling myself, and so when it goes back downhill, it's a downer.

A couple of times now he has had really bad days. Where he can't use either of his arms, even though only one of them was actually affected by the stroke. One minute he can be 'ok' (and by ok I mean able to function somewhat,not perfect, but managable) and the next things are crashing to the floor and his arm has just stopped working mid chore. Take this situation. I'm in the living room dealing with 3 very active kids (all 4yrs and under) and I hear the crash. I come into the kitchen, and the kids follow. I have stuff all over the floor that needs cleaning up, I have kids trying to get in there (and usually it's stuff they can't touch, broken stuff, or medication or something similar) and Walter sitting at the table in a breakdown. How the hell do you split yourself 3 ways? Which one do you do first? Sure the easiest and safest option is to clear away the stuff on the floor, but then the kids are running about and making a noise, which is only making Walter's confused state even worse. Right about this time is when I want to just fall in a heap and admit defeat. But do I? No. I gather my thoughts together as quickly as possible and get one child to give daddy a cuddle while I get the other child to help me clean, whilst making sure they don't eat or cut themselves with any substance on the floor. while keeping the baby out of the kitchen by putting him over the stairgate.

Some days I wonder how much more I can take. But I will. Because that's what I have to do. That's what I WANT to do, it's just sometimes I need a break. And I don't get that. From 7am til 7pm I have the kids running about and don't get to put my feet up and just read a magazine and have a cuppa. I could do that, but I would still hear the kids, and then I'd be worrying that he's not coping with the noise or whatever. HE can have naps in the day, and I send him off, even though I could do with a nap myself some days, but know that I can't. And when the kids have gone to bed, I have to sort our tea out, and make sure he has his medication set out for the next day help with anything that he needs doing that he can't do himself.

But I'm not after sympathy. I CHOOSE to do it, therefor do not require or neccesitate any sympathy. Just understanding. If I don't reply to your emails, or phonecalls in a nanosecond, forgive me. No don't forgive me, because I am not doing anything that would require forgiveness. I am looking after my family the best I can, and I won't apologise for that.